From ‘Yes’ Woman to No Thank You

I used to be a “yes” woman, saying yes to everyone and everything because I didn’t want to disappoint anyone.

I was a part of several large communities, and friends had to schedule 1:1 time with me weeks in advance. I had events 7 nights a week most weeks, and weekends included late nights and early mornings. Couldn’t miss a brunch invite!

I found my way into helping support spiritual circles, and at one point I was working 40 hours a week in corporate plus another 30+ hours on the weekend working retreats, sometimes more than once a month.

At the time, it was great because I was going through an intense breakup, and if every waking minute was scheduled and somebody else needed something, I didn’t have time to think about what I was going through, and I really felt I was serving my community in a way that was filling my soul.

This began to shift when the leader of a group I was supporting came up to me and said my level of performance was beginning to slip and they could tell… Could they not see what I was doing to be here?! I would fly in on Friday afternoon right after finishing my day job and immediately start participant registration, work 12+ hour days doing everything under the sun, then flying home Sunday evening to start my work week without a proper break for myself. I did this because I loved the work, and I found a space I thrived in, but I. Was. EXHAUSTED. Of COURSE I was slipping!

This moment is when I started to realize I had horrible boundaries with both myself and others. I now recognize that I was using my community involvement to totally avoid my emotions. This level of people pleasing and emotional avoidance was a trauma response that was rooted deep into my system from a very young age.

When I tried to tap in, there wasn’t space for what I wanted. “But I can’t take that weekend off, I’ve already committed to my friends!” “Oh, I promised another friend I’d take my truck and help them move that weekend.” “But what will they do if I’m not helping? I’m the best helper they have and they REALLY need me…” I was addicted to the chaos, and I was terrified of disappointing everybody. I was the reliable one, I was the friend that always showed up. I was the friend that everyone could count on. But what about me?

I slowly started saying no to things I didn’t really want to do. Brunch invite? Sorry, I have other plans. Party on a Friday night? Sorry, I’m just getting back from a work trip and I’m exhausted. Need me to help with a retreat? Sorry, I’m not available those dates. I found the more I said no to things I didn’t really want to go to or with people I really didn’t want to be around, the more I found space for myself. Was it hard? YES. Did I lose friends and fall out of communities? Also yes. But as I stuck with it and trusted my intuition in every choice I made, the more I found space for myself.

And in that, I found that I didn’t really know what I wanted. I was lost without the needs of others. I was so focused on pleasing other people and finding joy in their own happiness that I lost touch with what makes me happy, what my soul craves.

Three years ago, I set out on a journey for peace. If it didn’t bring me peace, I didn’t make space for it in my life, and it completely transformed my world, both in my work and my friendships. I had friends that saw this and understood, and others that took it personal. The people in my life now understand and honor this, and live similar lives themselves. More space doesn’t mean less love, it makes it more meaningful when we are together. As they say, “your vibe attracts your tribe.” And a peaceful life full of love is something everyone deserves.

Fast forward to today, and I am in a loving, peaceful relationship with myself and with my partner. I find myself getting full nights of sleep and I have gained the ability to schedule my days in a way that maintains my peace, even while working in corporate America. Every day I make choices where if it does not align with my soul, it does not make it to my calendar. And now I am launching my business from a place of peace and with a goal to bring that same peace to others. To share what I learned as I spent countless years trying to figure out what my soul needed, on my own and with no clear direction.

What I can’t do is give you a one-size-fits-all system that is guaranteed to bring you riches. What I can do is help you dive deep into understanding your soul, and help you focus in on what you want in life, especially as we heal from being the intense people pleasers we are. Maybe peace isn’t your goal, but I am here on a mission to help you find what “it” is, because you deserve the same peace I’ve found.

What is it that your soul craves?